Log in

Selah's Journal

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.

17th January 2008

4:32am: Brown, the brand new brotha in town...
I kinda liked this survey I found on myspace- so I thought I'd share it with you lovely people...
oh and I'm going back to Tarpon tomorrow- yea!

Survey says...
If you could push one person off of a mountain, Who would it be?
I would never and could never PUSH anyone off a mountain... but I could think of someone who would not get my remorse if she FELL OFF said mountain

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Tubby's Stankhouse

Do you still have clothes that belong to your ex?
nah- I gave all his shit back- I don't want it

Do you get attached to people easily?
only the really good kind

Have you ever been to California?
I was born there- I wish they all could be California girls

Do you go to church?
I wish there was a bar named Church... I go to Church-ill's

Do you like roller coasters?
been ridin em since I was tall enough to- so for like 3 years

What's your favorite TV show?
due to the writer's strike I don't get any of my shows- but I always try to watch Chelsea Lately- I love her (Kristen you are soooo lame)!

Have you ever seen goonies?
Heeey youuuu guyyyys... like everyday for about 2 years- I think I could still quote it beginning to end. We should make a drinking game out of this...

How many times have you been in love?
to blave... to blave means to bluff... (name that movie)

Do you have any pets?
I gotta dog pound up in here

Do you curse a lot?
when ever I effing feel like it

What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
me pee, dogs pee

What's your favorite season?
when spring is sprung

Are Chuck Norris jokes funny?
I don't do jokes

What's your favorite food?
potatoes- they are so versatile

Describe your first kiss?
for being such a fou fou girl- you'd think I'd actually remember it a little better, but I don't, so whattya know

Can you live without the computer?
could, but why- I'm not Amish

Would you get back with an ex?
most of them can suck it

Do you hide your emotions?
when necessary

Do you like chick flicks?
yep- I am afterall- a chick

When was the last time you got flowers?
my birthday- in May

Who was the last person you were in a moving vehicle with?
no moving vehicles- horse and buggy

Best kind of pizza?

Would you take care of your friends while they're sick?
I wouldn't wipe any asses, but otherwise- yes

What was the last CD you purchased?
my homegirl Lily Allen?

When was the last time you dyed your hair?
about 4 years ago- I'm down with my brown locks

Do you want to be in a relationship?
only if he's like totally awesome and wears cool tshirts- otherwise I'm good

What is a band/singer you will always love?
strawberry fields forever

Do you wish at 11:11?
very superstitious- the writing on the wall

Do you have any piercings?
holes minus rings

Last person you hugged?
I was huggin up on lots of people last night when I was drunk and they were drunk and my bar was closing

Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
on a dock?

What are you wearing on your feet?
my feet are nudists

Who was the last person you laid in bed with?
a boy who shall remain nameless you nosy bastards

If you could have the job you want right now what would it be?
SNL cast member

What is your natural hair color?
doo-doo brown (do you get the caption now?)

Who was your last comment from?
Talia- my lil mama

Do you like anyone?
I like lots of people, just don't piss me off
Current Mood: anxious

20th December 2007

3:56am: jingle all the way...
In an attempt to stay cheerful and not really harp on the way I'm actually feeling which is naseau, mini panic attacks and anxiety due to the trials and tribulations that are my so-called life- I will enlighten you all on some randomness. It is, afterall, Christmas -the time for joy and cheer.

In response to how I feel about carolling and whether or not it truely exists outside the realms of a Hollywood set- I will say this... it can be done and people will join in on your Christmas carols. How you ask? Get them drunk.
Yes, while adorned in hideous holiday sweaters we drunkenly paraded around downtown Savannah this weekend and witnessed it first-hand. Amanda's friend Tim not only got like 12 people to stop eating their dinners and to join him in a rendition of 'Jingle Bells', he also got on the mic at my bar and lead a packed Mercury Lounge in yet another Christmas sing-along. So there again- alcohol is this answer to yet another pressing question. Pass me that eggnog...

I am really enjoying the Ingrid Michaelson and The Weepies songs that are currently playing in the Old Navy Christmas commercials. I also very much enjoy the super-sized posters at The Gap of John Krasinski (Hello, lover) and Amy Poehler and Wil Arnett in their cozy sweaters and scarves.

The book I just finished reading was 'Running with Scissors' by Augusten Burroughs. It was very good and damn, did that guy have a crazy life! Hands down buddy, you win the dysfunctional upbringing award! I kinda love books like that- memoirs that are funny and entertaining, yet make you think- like whoa. Yeah I said like whoa. I think I'll read the other stuff he has out because now I'm intrigued about all the other crazy crap that he went through. A lot like David Sedaris and I love David Sedaris.

Here's one thing I HATE about Savannah: the downtown parking situation is effing atrotious (is that even how you spell that?) and they will ticket you or tow you if you're a second late on feeding your meter or moving your car. The god damned metermaids and fucking tow-truck rednecks. That's what I'm dealing with right now. Had my car towed a couple days ago- went to pick it up today, paid them $180 for them to throw my car (not like it's a gem or anything, but still) into a junkyard for a couple days and then when I got home I couldn't put the car into park. Like literally the car won't go into the park gear now cause they messed something up in there. Awesome, right? I think that I must've been a serial baby killer in a past life because these are the kinds of things that happen to me on a regular basis. First I screamed and then I laughed- cause what else can you do? Ahh, such is the beauty of my luck... I say ho, hum.

Here's something funny- the name of the towing company was 'Bubba Dice'. Like I think that was his name. Seriously- that's not a joke. And his directions involved 'go past the run-down house' and I kid you not- my friend and I couldn't figure out which 'run-down house' that dude was talking about! It was an adventure for sure. These are my stories. And there are so, so many. I should take Sarah's advice who always tells me to write this shit down. So, Tina Fey you say, Sarah? I do feel like her in that American Express commercial- "no, the other kind of german sheperds- does Momma have to do everything around here"? I am, of course, without the mystery scar.

Ok I have rambled on and on while simultaneously watching the VH1 countdown of the Top 40 Best Videos of 2007. We're almost to #1 and then I will attempt sleeping. I haven't seen any of these videos, but I love these kinds of countdowns. My two favorites so far have been 'Feist- 1234' and 'Colbie Calliat- Bubbly'. I like these because they represent two things I want. To be surrounded and dancing with all my favorite people in brightly colored clothing like our very own technicolor dream world. And then secondly to have a boy that makes me all giddy and will drive me around in an open-aired car to the beach, the hills or just snuggle with me by a campfire.

And in other type of countdown- 6 days til Christmas...
Current Mood: anxious

11th December 2007

4:20pm: We wish you a Merry Christmas....
I wanna bring back caroling. Like door to door caroling. Does anyone do that anymore?

I remember when we would do it in high school with church and chorus. We wouldn't go door to door, but went room to room in hospitals and it was so nice. People got so happy and that's what it's all about right...

8th December 2007

2:55am: So tell me what you want, what you really, really, really want...
I am losing hope people. The odds are getting worse and worse. The boys of this day and age are fucking selfish, non-chivalrous,non-romantic, wham-bam-thank you mam', commitment phobic assholes. Seriously- get it together you effing man-child bastards. Here's the thing- I'm getting a longer list of guys who don't call back EVER compared to the ones who ever called in the first place. Even if I got a text message that said 'I'm really not that into you'- I would appreciate that more because at least they'd have some balls and I'd have an answer.
I should really just start having more meaningless, random sex. If they aren't gonna call me ever again, then at least I had fun and I could understand why I never heard from them again because I am merely a whore. Ok, I'm taking a breath.

Where's my Jake Gyllenhaal god damnit.

And who thought it was a good idea for the Spice Girls to make a comeback.
Current Mood: annoyed

27th November 2007

3:54pm: Volcano
'You give me miles and miles of mountains... and I ask for the sea'.

This is how I feel lately.

10th November 2007

2:33am: When life hands you shit... make shit stew
I've had a rough couple of weeks... but I made it through.

-Shit: My bar was closed for almost 3 weeks because of a lame discrepancy about our liquor license and the up and downstairs bar.
-Shit Stew: I still got a paycheck, so it was like a pay-cut, paid vacation.

-Shit: Bear got hit by a car and broke a part of his pelvis. In the process totalling a vet bill of about $700.
-Shit Stew: He is alive and doing well for the most part. I have great people in my life who will help me out in a bad situation.

-Shit: I'm getting annoyed with my roommate at times because she is super moody and gives me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason.
-Shit Stew: If she weren't here, I wouldn't have been able to pay my bills this month.

-Shit: My mom is driving my sister crazy, who is driving my mom crazy, who is driving me crazy worrying about them working out their differences.
-Shit Stew: There's a suprise party for my parents anniversary (that I can't afford to attend, maybe shit and shit stew on this one) and hopefully they'll make up there.

-Shit: My friend Mike told me that James and Nicole are pretty much over, that James still loves me, that he realized he made a huge mistake in dating Nicole and has a lot of things he wants to say to me.
-Shit Stew: Nicole is getting what she deserves and I won't give a crap about what James has to say.

-Shit: I'm not dating anyone and there's nothing that would make me happier than a date at this point.
-Shit Stew: A really cute guy came into my bar yesterday, was flirting with me and asked me what my schedule normally was. When the conversation turned to football and I revealed I was a Gator fan (which is like being a terrorist in this town) his response was "I knew there had to be something about you I dind't like". I'll take it cause football isn't a deal breaker.

So, you see, I believe in a silver lining. I believe in karma. I belive that everything will work itself out. Every waking moment is a chance to turn it all around... and tomorrow's a new day. That's what I have to keep telling myself.
Current Mood: stressed

30th August 2007

2:18pm: Two days and counting...
That is when 2 very exciting things are taking place. It is the first Gator game of the season, but more importantly it is when I am moving to my new house. I finished all the painting last week and I really like it. I went with some brighter spring type colors rather than my usual autumn tones. I was a little worried at 1st that I would be living in an easter basket, but I like it and it looks good. And once there's furniture in there it'll really look better. I can't wait to decorate!!!
I'm almost finished packing. Just some random crap from the kitchen and my clothes. I need to get back to that and quit stalling by playing online. I am to the point now where I just want this freaking box city that has turned into my house to disappear. SOON!
I have a funny little story that I will share... So last night I was, of course, packing. I had my closet door open and was putting winter clothes into storage bins. My closet is really big and carpeted on the inside (this is an important side note). So I start getting hungry and decide I'm gonna go to the store and get some stuff to eat. I walk in my room, get my purse and shut my closet door cause Bear likes to pull out clothes sometimes and leave them strewn all over the house- he's such a weirdo.
I'm gone for about 45 mins. I come home, make a salad for dinner and go watch some tv. I filled the dogs bowls up with the dogfood I just bought and I thought that I heard Cooper barking from a distance. I walked outside, called him and didn't hear anything anymore so I shrugged it off as a weird noise coming from our loud-ass washing machine. I go watch tv for like an hour, go play online and then decide it is time to get back to packing.
I walk back into the laundry room and I hear whimpering. I know it's not Aspen or Bear because those two are always one step behind me no matter where I go in the house- so I know it's Cooper. The first thing that's pops into my head was closing my closet door and hearing the distant barking earlier. So I go in my room, open my closet (who's light you should know goes off automatically when the door shuts) and Cooper comes darting out! He had been trapped in my dark closet for the past 2hrs at least! I felt so bad, but I couldn't stop laughing because he was running around like a caged animal that just got its first taste of freedom. It was hilarious.

PS- I stayed up til 4am reading this book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'. I read it in two days pretty much and I'm not a fast reader. It was excellent and I think that if you have the time you should read it.
Current Mood: anxious

17th August 2007

1:56pm: Operation Pack and Move
So I found a new place to live! Yea new house! It's adorable and I love it! It is a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house with a HUGE fenced yard. It's not too far from where I live now. Further away from downtown, which kinda sucks, but it's alright. Amanda is not going to be staying on as a casual employee at the hospital here so she will most likely be leaving Savannah in Oct. Then I'll have the whole place to myself (and all the bills, which I'll have to start budgeting for) and it is the perfect size for me and the pups.

I'm already looking forward to having backyard parties once the weather cools down a little. I would say 'football' parties, but I only know one other person in Savannah who likes the Gators. Idiots, all of 'em! We could call them 'support your favorite college football team' parties. I don't know though- in the south people get real fiesty about their football.

I'm hoping that I can at least make it back to Gainesville for one game this season. The Tenn game is our 1st big game and that's on the 15th of Sept so maybe that one. Anyone else wanna try and go? Juli, this is when I know you are really missing Gainesville cause I know I do and I can be there in 4 hrs.
Or maybe Homecoming cause we all love that parade. It's Great to be a Florida Gator and football season is kickin at our heels!

So right now I'm knee deep in boxes and newspaper. I'm doing pretty well at getting all my crap sorted out though. And on Sept 1st I'll be in a whole new house with new decor and a bigger bedroom. I can't wait! The excitment is so nice- it's fun to have something different to look forward to. I've decided that buying a house is not something I should do until I'm married because otherwise I too often need a change of scenery. I may always need a change of scenery, so good thing I'm gonna have a rich, Hollywood husband to keep my interests up. It's a tough job, Jake, but someone's got to do it.
Current Mood: excited

29th July 2007

11:33pm: You make me wanna BOOM BOOM!
To all of you who have yet to see "Flight of the Conchords" on HBO- do yourselves a favor and watch it. Holy crap people- this stuff is hilarious! If you don't have HBO, find yourself a friend who does or check it out on youtube. Damn that shit rules!
I want my very own Bret to smooch on and sing me songs to the tune of his 1986 casio guitar with a mandolin and drum beat. I swear- he may take 3rd in my top five. That's something people. Plus he's got a sexy New Zealand accent.

Tomorrow my friend Kristen and I are going for all you can eat crab legs and I'm super stoked.
Current Mood: excited

27th July 2007

1:49am: I like to pop it like it's hot
So I have to admit that yesterday I fell head first into tv's obsession with pointless reality shows. I had no plans, no work and it was raining- keep that in mind when you are reading this.

During the day I stumbled upon Sunset Tan. I can honestly say that I will never watch it again, but I didn't turn it off. I also watched the Simple Life and I'm going to admit- Nicole Richie makes me laugh. I watched Oprah which made me want to move to Chicago and relentlessly beg and plead for a job. Seriously, I'd be her dog-walker for god sakes.

After a short stint away from the couch I found myself back again during primetime. I then also realized that more than being Oprah's dog-walker I would rather be a contestant on 'So you think you can dance'. I really should've been a fly-girl. I like all the formal dancing, but the hip hop dances were the ones that I found myself totally loving. I'm watching thinking- I really couldn't ever dance that well, except for during the hip hop routines. I think I could do that. I can pop it like it's hot, just maybe not in heels.

Next on was "Don't forget the lyrics' or whatever that show is called. That's the show Amanda thinks I should go on. I could definitely see Wade or Tiff on there since they are our most karaoke-loving friends. It was entertaining- Wayne Brady is the host.

Other than watching too much television I am still on the search for a new home. Hopefully by this time next week I will know for sure whether or not Amanda is staying in Savannah and can figure out for sure what it is I'm looking for. Right now it's a little up in the air. I'm looking forward to a new place though. I may be getting this apartment downtown that my friends are moving out of, which would be cool cause I could walk or ride a bike downtown on my days off. It's actually the row of townhouses that were in the movie 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'. The one they shot parts of the movie in is like 3 doors down. And I already am friends with the guy who lives upstairs so that's cool.

On the homefront things are a little rough right now. Natalie has finally got a doctor who doesn't think her sickness is pyschological and wants to figure it out. He has already done more in solving the "case" than anyone else, but what he's found is not good. He had her get another MRI and found that she has progressive brain cell loss compared to her last one 2 yrs ago. He found that her brain cells controlling her movement and motor functions are dying. He said at this rate she can no longer afford to lose any more and therefore can't drink, eat fish, msg or anything that comes in an aluminum can. It's pretty scary.

Natalie, of course, is comedic about the whole thing. Making jokes about what she can tell people who ask her in clubs why she's not drinking. Even still, it's upsetting news. She's glad though that finally someone has found something and they are more vigorously looking into MS because he believes she has so many symptoms. As does Jeri I guess- especially since her latest episode that left her vomitting and in somewhat temporary paralysis at the beach. She's ok though for the most part- so don't everyone get alarmed.
And clearly this would be the perfect time for my mom to lose her shit. Enter the Devo-beast... pissed at both of us for reasons that are too petty to even bother writing down. But basically told Nat that this diagnosis is a blessing because she's needs a life change and needs to quit hanging out in bars. The girl is 24 for the love of god- give her a break. So that's always nice when momma's supportive.

Other than all that- I'm doing alright and things are what they are. No new boys, no new job, no new much of anything. So maybe I'm just bored and that's why I'm watching so much bad television. Maybe I should take a dance class...
Current Mood: bored

12th June 2007

5:27am: Tonight was my first (that I'm aware of) celebrity run-in in Savannah. DeAngelo Hall, star cornerback for the Atlanta Falcons came into my bar tonight. He was an incredibly gorgeous black man, which was why I first noticed him. Next was the huge wad of money that he pulled out of his pocket to pay for his drinks with, that consisted of a couple hundreds and mostly twenties. He was really nice, played some good tunes on the jukebox and handed me a $100 as he walked out the door. I ran out from the bar and gave him a big hug. He had an impeccable body (from what I could feel from the hug) and he signed the door guy's shirt as he walked out, but never made a big to-do about who he was. I'll have to root for the Falcons now, unless they're playing the Bucs.

10th June 2007

3:21am: obsessive and compulsive minus the disorder
Thank you Sarah for making me aware of the tiny mix tapes website. I love it! However, I have now become obsessed with coming up with topics for mix cds and the songs that would fall under that topic. I borrowed a couple from the website, but I've also come up with quite a few of my own. Think 'Elizabethtown' minus the gratuitious roadtrip or the accompaniment of a mapped out journal. Oh and that annoying, no talent Kirsten Dunst.
Topics include:
~strike a summery chord
~chillin on the porch
~everyone can suck it
~loungin around on a sunny sunday morning, afternoon, evening (vol I-III)
~get pumped up
~music to make love to your old lady by (or man)
~feeling dark and twisty
~winding down
~if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
~music to clean to, dance to, whateves

So I'm constantly thinking of songs or hearing songs that I want to add to my compilation. I could seriously make a career of doing this and only this. I can't stop. So you can send in suggestions of topics and I sent in "songs to drive around to while looking for the perfect place to live"- we'll see if they spit me out a soundtrack. I don't know how to actually put my plan into action though and make the actual mix cds. What website could you use for free or really cheap to do this? Because now I have to. I've even thought of personalized ones that I could make for all of my friends, aka you all. Next thing you know all I'm doing is thinking of topics for my next super sweet mix. Welcome to Loserville- population, me.

Another thing that's funny is that I too (like I read that P-lette has embarked on) have joined a fitness boot camp. It is 4 days a week for 4 weeks in the park near my house. My trainer's name is Jennifer and she is so nice. I almost threw-up after my session with her on Fri morning, but I have faith that she's going to get me into shape. And I think I'll probably make a new friend out of it. She looks about my age. I may be a decent runner when all is said and done, which would really be amazing. I want my body back. All I wanna do is pop it like it's hot.

Newest celebrity obsession is Ryan Adams. Don't worry, I haven't put Jake on the back-burner or anything. I saw Ryan Adams in concert last summer in Chicago and I really just fell for him there. I didn't really know much about him, even though he's been around for a while. I just bet he's cool and he is a hot hottie. And of course, I love his voice. So I've been on a kick listening to his music, reading about him- yatayatayata.

I have also been compulsive about looking for a new place to live, which is actually a productive use of time. Still no word on the longevity of our residence in our current house, but I don't want to be stuck when it's too late. Plus I've lived here for almost 2 years, so I want a new house, with a new atmosphere, new surroundings, new decor. Amanda's still giving me the wishy washy answers to whether or not she'll be here after summer, so I gotta do what I gotta do. I'm ready to live alone, but at the same time, I think it will feel much lonelier here by myself than in Gainesville. I just don't know anyone I would want to be roommie's with. Or anyone who would want to be a roommie with 3 dogs.

Maybe I'll make a mix tape of songs to play when you're up too late thinking about songs for a mix tape, a sexy singer and a pack of dogs.
Current Mood: sleepy

28th May 2007

6:53pm: The time to multi-task is now!
That enry was in dire need of editing and a title, which I did not do. Misspelled and a little choppy, please do forgive me- I'm trying to get as much stuff done today before I go to work.
6:10pm: I just returned from about a week off of work. My mom and Nat and Alexi came up to visit which was really fun. I took Nat out on the town on Sat night and we had a lot of fun. Everyone kept saying she was the darker version of me. It was funny. I think we are totally different, but I guess I see some of the similarities.

Next was on to my aunt and uncle's hous over by Macon, Ga. So not a place I would ever want to live. It's pretty out there in the middle of nowhere- just them and their dogs and their 4-wheelers. Country-time for real! I had a tick crwal outta my hair and onto my forehead- I thought it was a spider... not so much. My uncle divuldged to me that the want me to be the heir to their 'estate' if you will. And their like 200 acres of hunting land. What? What would I do with all that land and 3 more dogs? Oh lord! Apparently thoughts of me and an animal shelter have crossed their minds for some of the land use. I am nowhere even close to being at that point in my life where I could move out into the middle of the sticks with a bunch of dogs...

Then home to Tarpon to see my dad, Amber and baby Ava and my yiayia and of course the Pinellas county-dwelling friends. Got in an afternoon with Beth and Theron (aka mini-Kulick) which was so nice. I love,love,love their house! It has Beth and Andy written all over it and it made me wish I had a husband and cute house and and adorable little baby crawling around. (One day) Theron was wearing a little Beatles tee- so precious. Alexi kept him very entertained and I was inspired but what a wonderful and 'green' mom Beth had become. You go girl!
I also got to play with Ava Marie, Amber's little baby. And she's a cutie pie! So quiet and inquisitive. Still getting her bearings about her big head and her surroundings. Amber didn't seem to me to have fully latched on to the sole duty of being a mom, but I was expecting that. She'll get it sooner or later hopefully. But for now, she gets along fine and the baby has closet FULL of all the cutest clothes, cause that of course wouldn't be any baby of Amber's without it.
I went out on Thurs night for Wade's birthday. Sarah came into town for the holiday weekend. Tiffany was in town and Beth and Andy came out in shift, which was totally awesome! Beth took the early shift and Andy came out for the closer. We sang endless amounts of karaoke and drank ourselves silly. Good times!
So then I took the train back to Savannah. It was actually not too bad. It was $42 and I didn't have to deal with traffic or driving alone. I read the whole way pretty much and luckily the lady I was seated next to was very nice and didn't have body odor.

Back home now and into the whole day to day routine. Only difference being that I'm on a diet. And I'm serious this time. My goal is to lose 30lbs and I know I can do it. I'm on a diet that has me couting grams of fiber intake, not carbs. So I'm eating healthier, drinking more water and intaking more protein and fiber. My mom told me that if I lose my goal amount and keep it off, she'll buy me an ipod- so there's incentive right there. I'm feeling better actually already and it's only been about a week. I have more energy and just feel better. Cause I really got into a funk there where I was sleeping too much, had no energy and just overall felt like crap. So wish me luck friends!

I'm thinking about plannign a trip out west. Juli and Conor pay attention cause this involves you. I'm thinking Sept or Nov, flying to Seattle, staying for several days with you guys then flying to LA and renting a car and driving out to Lake Isabella, Ca where my biological mother is. I think the time has come for me to face up to those fears before it's too late. I need to get over this bump in my life so I can continue on without all the questions and feelings bottled up inside. It's what I have to do to move on in my life and I think the time is now. So anyways, Sarah said she wants to come and I want her there, so we need to figure out when a good time for you two is to have guests. How's the weather then? I'm gonnanmake it happen so you guys just let me know what works for you.

I've come up with yet another brillant saying. It would be very good in a break-up setting or when you're thinking to yourself that you shouldn't get too worked up over something that's small because in reality it's not all that vital to your life. It goes like this: " In my plate of life you(or it) are merely a side item. You aren't the entree or even the dessert. You are like the corn (that part came from Sarah), I can do without you (or it)".
Current Mood: content

15th May 2007

6:05pm: Here's why Lily Allen's my new favorite homegirl
-she talks it like she brangs it and brangs it like she talks it...

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling outta control and it's inevitable,
Now don't you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
Its temperamental,
It seems to me, we're on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Oh yeah, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here,
And don't you feel it's all the same,
Some sick game and it's not insincere,
I wish I could change the ways of the world,
Make it a nice place
Until that day, I guess we stay,
Doing what we do
Screwing who we screw

Why can't I sleep at night,
Don't say it's gonna be alright,
I wanna be able to eat spaghetti bolognaise,
and not feel bad about it for days and days and days.
In the magazines they talk about weight loss,
If I buy those jeans I can look like Kate Moss,
Oh no it's not the life I chose,
But I guess that's the way that things go,

Oh yeah, I'm fine,
Everything's just wonderful,
I'm having the time of my life.

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,
It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage,
Well it's very funny cos I got your fucking money,
And I'm never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble,
I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

30th April 2007

2:54pm: sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't
I'm really fearing the "you aren't married, you don't have kids, you don't have a real job, but at least you have your freedom" birthday message that could very well replay yet again on this upcoming birthday.
The "whoa- you'll be 27, I thought you were 22" replies are always nice, but I can't help but think- why exactly is it that no one believes I'm this old? I know, I know, good genes definitely play a part, but I don't think that's all of it. I think people see my job and my lifestyle and my lack of commitment to any real thing (besides these three hairy monsters I just finished bathing) and think I couldn't possibly be as close the the brink of 30 that I actually am.
FUCK- where did the time go! I'm on a speed train through my 20's and I feel like I've missed a lot of my stops because I can't stop looking out the window. And you know, most days I like my window seat- it's comfortable and safe and people know me here in this spot. But I should do more than this. I should be more than this. But doesn't everyone think that? Everyone except for maybe Paris Hilton.
So I think to myself- fresh start, time for a fresh start. But there really is no genuine fresh start. Your past won't go away no matter how clean of a break you make from it. My credit card debt will still be there, my four-legged friends will still be there, my rejection/abandonment/intimacy issues will still be there, my nagging family will still be there, the constant yo-yo that is my weight will still be there. I can work on those things- yes, but they will still be there.
Six days a week I think- this is my life and I'm all about it. I can stay out late, I can drink all night, I can kiss random boys (if I'm really feeling crazy, I can spend the night with them), I can spend my entire day off at the beach without feeling guilty that I'm putting something off, I can sleep past noon, I can wear jeans to work... I can do a lot of things that most people would be lucky to do once a month.
But then there's that one day (like today) where I get to thinkin- where am I headed?
I want a good-looking man who I'm crazy about and makes me laugh, a good job that I'm proud of and a well decorated place that we (Mr.Right and myself) call home. For now that's it, that's all I want. So if anyone's asking what I want for my birthday- now you know what to tell them. Good luck getting it gift-wrapped though.
Current Mood: blah

5th April 2007

7:42pm: I don't even like Chad
I am currently spending many of my days with what should be my ideal guy. He likes good music. He likes good movies. We have a very similar sense of humor. He is so sweet to me. He's so sweet to my dogs. He loves kids and is great with them. He is close and very good to his family. He makes me laugh and I can make him laugh. He is so many things that I want in a guy. So what is the problem, you ask? Well...

I am not attracted to him. I have no desire to kiss him, no desire to hop into bed and have crazy sex with him, no desire to be lying in bed snuggling the morning after the crazy sex. It's just not there for me. I keep thinking that part will happen, but what if it doesn't and I'm just stringing him along?

I do like him because he's a great person, but there has to be some sexual attraction for a relationship to work. I don't care how shallow it sounds, but if I'm hanging out with guy and I don't at some point (especially when I'm drunk) wanna just grab him and jump his bones- then it won't work. There needs to be that 'zazazoo' to keep things going.

We are spending so much time together lately that I feel like I have to make a decision. Or do I just keep doing what I'm doing and either I'll become attracted or we'll pass the point where if anything did happen it would be weird because we're in the friend zone. This is my first time on the other side of the coin here and I don't know what to do.

So here I have this really good guy and I want to spend all my time with him. But then at the end of the night I want to go home with the guy who is the opposite of what I want in a guy, but damn do I like to look at him. Seriously! Where's the guy who's both those things? And do I push aside the halfers to wait around for the whole package to come along? Is there such a thing as a whole package? And if there isn't, which would I rather right now?

Damn this is tough cause he made me a mix cd...
Current Mood: restless

14th February 2007

3:42pm: Happy Valentine's Day
Wishing everyone a day filled with hugs, kisses and maybe even some chocolate! I got a magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover- so you know I'm happy! It's GQ if anyone's interested and it's actually a really good article.
Thought this was a fun little tidbit for those of us who LOVE ice cream!
Have a delicious day!!!

NEW YORK - Stephen Colbert may have no taste for the truth, but he does have a sweet tooth. Ben & Jerry's has named a new ice cream in honor of the comedian: "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream."

It's vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and caramel.

Announcing the new flavor Wednesday, Ben & Jerry's called it: "The sweet taste of liberty in your mouth."

The Vermont-based ice-cream maker is known for naming its flavors after people such as Jerry Garcia, Wavy Gravy and the band Phish — which Colbert sees as a political bias.

"I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda," Colbert said in a statement. "What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case."

Colbert, who spoofs flag-waving conservative pundits on his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report," is donating his proceeds to charity through the new Stephen Colbert Americone Dream Fund, which will distribute the money to various causes.
Current Mood: cheerful

12th February 2007

11:20am: Today's a better day
I'm feelin good, feelin great, feelin fine- how are you? And I changed the look of my lj and I love it!
Current Mood: good
12:21am: So here's what's going on with me...
1. I am recently an aunt! Yep, folks, that's right- I am Auntie Selah and Amber is officially a mommy. Crazy- I know! She and little miss Ava Marie are healthy and doing fine. Let me tell you how funny it was though hearing Amber's version on her labor and delivery- nothing short of detailed and comical. Hoping to get home sometime next week to see that little bundle of joy...

2. I am a nanny, sort of. I started watching a 3 and 5 yr old boy and girl for this wealthy family. The father is a vascular surgeon who's on call and the mother is a nurse who works nights. It's only 2 days a week, but I have my own room and bathroom, put the kids to bed, wake them up in the morning and drop them off at school. The dad is often there, but sometimes gets called in to the hospital randomly. It's a pretty sweet deal and although the kids are a bit spoiled, they are sweet and cute. I ahev two car seats in my backseat and we listen to Toddler Jam each morning on the way to Pre-K (Oh yeah, it's awesome). The little boy is obsessed with pirates, especially Capt Jack Sparrow and Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. A little man after your own heart, Sarah. The girl is the only child I've ever seen who actually wants to wear stockings...

3. I am going to have to move out of my house sooner than I thought. My adorable house that I love is being put up for sale as of this week. I don't want to move. I hate moving. Amanda has decided she doesn't care for Savannah and wants to be a travel nurse, so she'll be gone most likely by the summer. I want to live alone, but it's so nice having a yard for this damn dog pound I've accumulated that I think it's gonna be hard to come by in a 1 bedroom. More news to come when I have more info myself...

4. St Patty's is right around the corner which I'm dreading. The money will be nice compared to this sad, slow winter season- but still. So many people, drunk people, everywhere thinking they're the only damn person in the place who wants a green beer. It's called alcoholism people, not dehydration- look it up...

5. The strong, sarcastic undertones are due to my crap day. Not sure why it was such a crap day, other than the fact that I had to be at a meeting/ cleaning party at 8am on a Sunday. Let me introduce everyone to the word 'party'... party = fun, cleaning = sucks. Yep, I think that is why. Oh and because some jackass at my bar today (who wasn't tipping me, by the way) tried to say that the Ohio State loss was a total fluke. I said "Bullshit dude, Ohio State lost because the weren't even half as strong as the pedestal everyone put them up on". Then he was like "They just didn't want it that bad". Oh my ass buddy, they didn't want a National Championship title? Well then they are idiots and so are you. (I didn't say that last part, but it woulda been funny). Yeah- I'm feisty...

6. On a more cheerful note- I kinda met a boy. I went to a wedding last Sat and went downtown afterwards. Several glasses of red wine later I was sans inhibitions and saw this guy coming into the bar as I was walking out. We made eyes, smiled and I was like " You're really cute". Yep, just plain as day. He was like "what"? I told him again that he was hot (cause quite frankly, doesn't it make you feel good when someone tells you that). He tries to convince me to say, I tell him I can't, I give him my number, he tries to convince me some more, I say nope gotta go and just totally kiss him. And that my friends is the fun part of being single- kissing random guys. He kisses me back, I leave, he texts me later, then I text him the following weekend, we meet up, hang out, kiss some more and now I'm waiting for his call. I hate the waiting. In the words of Tom Petty, "the waiting is the hardest part". And it so is. So I'm not gonna jinx it and go into grandiose detail of who he is, what he does, what I like about him, blah, blah, blah. Because if I did and he doesn't call then it was a complete waste of time, energy and the hopes we would all get up that I would finally find someone worth a damn. So that's it, that's all you get...

7. The dogs keeping getting into the trash and it's causing some animosity with the roomie and I. They don't just tip it over, they tip it over and spread it all over the kitchen and dining room. It's pretty damn annoying, but it is afterall, just trash. We threw it away and it's food products and they're 2/3 hound dogs. What can I do if she doesn't want to go through the hassle of putting it outside or in a closet before we leave the house? Yelling and smacking doesn't work- they don't care, the food is worth it apparently. Beth- any suggestions? It's making her really mad at me and mean to the dogs, so I've got to solve this problem...

I really think that's about all I have right now. I'm not as miserable as it may sound, just crabby today and felt like venting. Thanks for listening pals- you're the best!
Current Mood: cranky

11th January 2007

10:59am: I said it's GREAT to be a Florida Gator!
I wish I had been in Gainesville on Monday-like REAL bad! Not that I didn't have plenty of fun up here in Savannah, cause I did. Especially when all these damn Georgia fans had to hold their tongues when they thought they were gonna laugh in my face after the game. Who's laughing now bitches?! It ain't me.

I mean seriously (Juli you'll feel me on this), I live in Gainesville for 5 years and yeah, we did well and I was pleased with my beloved Gators. Then I move and within the following year they are winning not one National Championship, but TWO! We are the Champions! We are the boys of old Florida! We are the Gator Nation! We are the orange and blue victorious! ALL HAIL, FLORIDA HAIL!

Juli, Sarah, whoever... I need to know the words to more Gator cheers. My friend Rachael was asking me what all the Gator cheers were and I couldn't think of all the words to them. Alma mater, etc- little help please...
Current Mood: ecstatic

22nd December 2006

3:50pm: Merry Christmas!
On the twelfth day of Christmas, sassyselah sent to me...
Twelve gators drumming
Eleven birthdays piping
Ten beatles a-leaping
Nine dogs dancing
Eight turtles a-milking
Seven antiques a-laughing
Six fairies a-dancing
Five bi-i-i-ig cities
Four rotten peaches
Three counting crows
Two good books
...and an ellen in a sex and the city.
Get your own Twelve Days:

12th December 2006

12:14am: Overwhelm, overwhleming, overwhelmed
I arrived from work tonight to a very interesting suprise on my doorstep. As soon as I saw the handwriting on that manila folder I knew exactly who it was from. I didn't even have to read the name on it. My heart sunk.

I opened this manila folder very carefully because it said "Do not bend, photographs enclosed". I pulled out what appeared to be to pages of a photo album that were cut out. The first photo was a black and white of a dark-haired woman who looked about my age. She's looking down at what appears to be a desk. She's resting her head on her right hand that has a large oval ring on her middle finger. She's either left-handed and writing or just reading. She has very full lips and her har is in a bun on the top of her head adorned with ribbons.

The picture is of my grandmother. My maternal grandmother. My real- maternal grandmother, Jean O'Neill. My mother sent it. My real mother, Julie. The tears just started gushing.

I turn it over and there are more pictures. One is of Julie and her brother (I never knew she had a brother) Daniel, when she was 12 and he was 9 in Charleston, SC. Then there is one of her as a toddler, not even a year old I would say. She's wearing little overalls, all smiles, and holding on to an outstretched hand of a face that cannot be seen.

I see these pictures and I think immediately that something is wrong. Is she sick? Is she dying? Should I get on plane to California before it's too late? Is this some sort of sign? Why after so, so, so many years has she sent these to me? These pictures can't even begin to cover the estrangement that has spanned over the past 20 years. But I guess it's a start.

Then there are some pictures of the sisters and brother. They are 19, 17 and 14. What the crap? It's like who are these kids, I don't know them. It's like seeing pictures of cousins you never met, except they are siblings. It's really weird.

She writes a very brief letter. She looks forward to the day she sees me and Natalie. She calls me darling. She says I love you. She calls herself Mom. She wants me to send pictures even if I don't want to write.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling. It's like one of those things that I imagine people with serious depression, or addictions or phobias have to deal with. You are presented with this option to really find out about yourself. To do something that you know deep down will help your mental well-being, will make you come to terms with all those things that you keep buried inside you, that will benefit the course of the rest of your life. But you just can't make that step. It just seems utterly impossible to go down that road.

I feel compelled to work like a maniac for the next few weeks, skip going home for Christmas and just buy a plane ticket to California. But I can't. I just don't have it in me. I think my parents would be so hurt. They would feel betrayed. It wouldn't be about them at all, but they would never see it that way. So I won't and in a week this feeling will pass over as it always has and I will go back to not knowing anything about a person who lives her life thinking about who it is I turned out to be.

7th December 2006

1:40pm: Juli and Conor get Seattle goodness, not blank. I was trying to think of something more clever adn then I forgot by the time I got around to posting it. Or fill in the blank yourself of whatever craziness you guys get that at this moment I can't seem to recollect.
1:37pm: It's a typical situation, in these typical times
Beth and Andy get the crazy run-ins with crackwhores. Sarah and Zane get hijacked busses with pizza parties. Juli and Conor get
And then there's me. I always get the sopa opera style love affairs. For the love of God!

I'm gonna do this post Quentin Tarantino style. Tell you the end and then backtrack on how I got there. Here it goes...

It ends on Sunday while I'm bartending at my new bar- The Mercury Lounge. And I'm stuck serving Matt and Jason (both my friends merely the day before) while they ignore, make little comments to each other (seemingly about me) and try as hard as they can to not look me in the eye. Yes, because apparently we are back in third grade.

It starts really last New Year's Eve. That's when I met Jason and fell gaga over him. I'm sure I even posted about him. He is an international recruiter for SCAD and travels all over for his job. We met on myspace and then in real life on New Year's Eve. We met at Mercury Lounge when he was working the door for the night. It was all over when I saw him (tall, dark and handsome in every sense). I would get all giddy and flustered evertime I ran into him, that's how attractive he is. It never went anywhere,he never seemed to get the giddiness, then he had a girlfriend. Fast forward to September, this past September.

Here we are, we'll say the end of September. I meet Matt at Mercury while I'm working. He works there too when they need him to fill in. At first I think we are engaging in some innocent- I'm Selah your bartender- give me your money- even though you are kinda cute- flirting. Him and his friend mention Jason and how he has "no game". Matt says that Jason is his best friend. I chime in and say how big of a crush I had on him, but after many bouts of effortless flirting and hinting I got nothin. They say "see no game".

As the story shall go, Matt and I started hanging out. We were hanging out every night, talking everyday- but he never took me on a date. Not dinner, not a movie- we just went out drinking. After one evening I would rather forget, he started to resemble someone who drank entirely too much and not someone I wanted to date. I voiced exactly that and we stopped hanging out all the time. I would see him at work and we would have drinks together and if we were drunk enough- go home and makeout. And seriously that was the extent of it- makeout/ cuddle sleepovers. We were both very straightforward about the fact that we were not dating.

Fast forward to this past Saturday night. I'm out with Amanda and her friends from the hospital. Nice people, but I just wasn't all about their conversations. And then who shows up to the bar- Jason. Oh, I lit up like a damn Christmas tree. So we start talking, blah, blah, blah. Amanda say she needs to go home, but I want to stay. I ask Jason if he's staying and he's like" stay, we'll get drunk together". And that's excatly what we did.

End of the night we share a cab home since his place is on the way to my place. And here's where the problem was created. I told him I liked him and have liked him for a long time. He said "I totally would, but there's Matt, so I can't". I try to explain to him how Matt and I aren't dating, never were dating and never will date and that I was interested in him long before Matt was ever in the picture. Matt's his very, very best friend and he just can't. So he gets out, I feel like a dumbass, end of story right? Wrong!

The next afternoon I'm having lunch BY MYSELF at the restaurant across from where I work. I'm just waiting for the manager to open up so I can go to work. And of course, who walks in... damn Matt AND Jason. Seriously, what the f? So they walk up right next to me (where there are 2 empty seats) and I say hey. There's a lot of tension and Matt says "Wanna go get a table"? They walk away and go sit on the other side of the bar! I'm like shit, shit, shit- he told Matt. Why did he tell Matt? I felt like I was gonna vomit. I couldn't eat so I walked over, said good-bye in which Matt was kinda rude. Jason was seemingly normal, as normal as possible I guess. I thought to myself, well at least that's over and I know they won't be in the bar today. Yeah, not so much...

And now we are at the end. Thay sat at the bar for about a good hour and a half. Matt wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. I heard tidbits of conversations that I can only imagine were about me and then they finally left without saying good-bye. I felt aweful, like I was wearing the scarlet letter or something. But I don't really think that the guilt is justifiable. I didn't do anything besides tell Jason I liked him. We didn't kiss or have sex or anything that would be considered shameful when in comes to 2 best friends and the same girl. So why did they treat it like so? And why would Jason even tell Matt unless it was to say 'hey stay away from her, she made a pass at me'? So now I know I'll see them both again and I don't want to feel that way everytime. I want to call Matt and be like 'hey, here's the deal, sorry he's your best friend, but it was bound to come out sooner or later'. I do feel bad. I wouldn't like it if it were me, so I get that. But both situations on my end were not that big a deal.

Thoughts, opinions, retaliations, compromises, suggestions- give them to me. I don't want to think about this anymore, but I can't seem to stop.

On a plus note- tonight I'm going to a show at this bar called The Jinx. It should be fun. The bands are Lucero, Maritime and Drag the River. Maritime, from what I've heard is indie fun and I think I shall enjoy myself!
Current Mood: confused
Powered by LiveJournal.com